A love letter long overdue

It’s exhilarating as it is tensing but I can’t believe that I am finally at it. It feels a bit surreal yet I can’t help but feel embarrassed…

All my life I have searched for love in the wrong places. From the Disney movies that I watched as a kid to the chick flicks that I adored in my teens; I just felt that the spark that we thrive for in our lives awaits us in some Mr. Right. Though no one quite claims that aloud yet somehow that seems to be exactly what most of us seem to be searching for. But that’s not it.

Many of us may not even thrive for just romantic love but some of us thrive for love for our families, friends, for ourselves or perhaps the better amongst us may even search for love for humanity. But nothing gives back the way it should and how can it? How can we expect people to love us back the way we want them to? How can we have expectations from other people when we fail our own selves so many times? How can I expect unconditional love from someone when I am incapable of giving the same myself? We are humans and we are prone to make mistakes; to disappoint. Then how can one expect such perfect love from imperfect people? I refuse to give in to heart ache each time someone I love disappoints me; be it my own self. I refuse to believe that this wonderful feeling was given to us in order to hurt us time and time again.

But all of this begs the question that who then deserves this love that we so easily throw in the hands of unworthy, undeserving people? The answer was simple now that I come to think of it; and I had found it each time someone had hurt me, each time I shed a tear in secrecy there was only One to console me. How had I not thought of this before is really beyond me. This love that we throw away so shamelessly was made for the One Who created it in the first place, it was for the One Who created us, Who taught us how to take our first steps and Who taught us how to use our tongue, Who taught us the use of pen as we grew older and taught us that which we did not know.

“Who taught by the pen (4) Taught man that which he knew not.” (5)- Surah Alaq.

So I write my long overdue love letter with a sense of excitement alongside a sense of regret.

My Dearest, Most Beloved Allah ﷻ,

I write to you today what I should have written a long time back. I am no poet, no writer, in fact I am no one other than a sinning slave. Oh my Allah ﷻ, I have come to you today empty handed; the only thing I have to offer is a broken, wounded heart that I am finally putting to its place. Oh Allah ﷻ forgive me for I have slipped time and time again. I wandered far away but I finally found the right place and had it not been for Your blessings and guidance I don’t know where I would have been today. Oh Allah ﷻ I come to you hoping that You will accept this deficient attempt of mine.

Ya Allah ﷻ, I live in a time where there are two extremes; ones who only follow Islam as if it were a list of to-dos and don’ts and ones who only seem to be concerned about its spirit and intention. Yet so few realize that it is a perfect combination of both. How can we live our lives without order yet get through with intention? And how can we only do actions without feeling anything? Ya Allah ﷻ people don’t realize that the two are inter-binding; that Your love brings about the desire to obedience and that Your obedience leads to Your Pleasure.

I live in a time where people debate about the beard and hijab. They rightfully say that Islam is not in the beard and hijab but they forget that beard and hijab are a part of Islam. How can I claim to love you yet do as I please? If I truly love you then I would want to be the way You want to see me. How can I claim to love you and then simply dress as I please? When You have commanded hijab how can I shun it?

Oh Allah ﷻ if one of our teachers had instructed us to use double spacing in an assignment we would not dare to do otherwise fearing that it would make us lose some points. Yet when it comes to Your commandments, my Lord, we all seem to do as we please.

There is no doubt that hijab is hard; while most girls my age get decked up as they step out I, instead, cover myself in a lose coat. And in a time where Islam is so misunderstood I step out and feel glances that tell me that they feel I am backward or suppressed. Little do they know that I wear it only for Your sake; for I would rather feel strange amongst people for Your sake than have the comfort and joy dressing in a way that You don’t approve of.

Oh Allah ﷻ! They feel that when I clad on my hijab I get with it the right to judge; little do they know that these eyes are so occupied with my own faults that I cannot afford to cast a glance at anyone else. I don’t, rather I can’t, judge anyone who doesn’t cover, however, it hurts me when they so easily dispense off and disregard something that is dear to You as something insignificant and unimportant. For it is one thing to not wear hijab and another entirely to justify it. Both Hazrat Adam A.S. and Satan faltered, however, Satan justified his act while Hazrat Adam A.S. repented; I just hope and wish that people could realize that.

Ya Allah ﷻ I pray to You to give me an intellect that makes me understand Your commandments; not one which questions them. Ya Allah ﷻ what use will my intellect be if it doesn’t bring me closer to you? Oh my dear Lord, I seek Your forgiveness and thank You for all the little and big things that You blessed me with; for giving me a family, a home, for making sure there is someone or another to put a smile on my face. Oh Allah ﷻ You have blessed us immensely and my deficient words of gratitude can never be enough and my praises of You can never equal Your Magnificence, so I ask you not to look at my words or my deeds but rather to accept my feeble attempt. For this sinning lover of Yours knows no more than to try, and for I heard from someone that “oh Lord I failed a thousand times but still Your Mercy remains.”

Oh Allah ﷻ I ask You for Your love and the love of those whom You love. Let me also love others for Your sake as that alone will allow me to love them unconditionally; without any expectations. Ya Allah ﷻ this heart belongs to You so kindly accept it for now and forever.  

Oh Allah ﷻ I fear the day when we would be raised up and would have to give an account for all we did in this world. I am afraid I have nothing that I could present on that day but just a few tear drops that I shed in Your remembrance at some points in my life. I am sorry I never turned up earlier. I am sorry I faltered time and again. All I can promise and commit to is not giving up. I won’t give up I promise. And even for that I beg you to help me achieve that.

I thought I didn’t believe in happily ever-afters as they seemed too clichéd but with You Allah there really is a happily ever-after if we set our lives straight. May we not get distracted by the glitz and glamour of this worldly life for it is temporary and our final abode and destination is only with You. Let us live our lives focusing on and working towards our aakhirah; as what use will a fancy guesthouse have for me if I build myself a rotten home!